"What are you wanting to heal from? What does healed look like to you?"
I sat in therapy for the first time in a long time, a few weeks ago, and my session ended with those questions. She told me I kept talking about wanting to heal my mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial health, but I couldn't give an explanation to what I was healing from. It seemed like such a loaded question. AND better yet what the healed version of me looked like. I walked out cried and felt so lost. That is a lot to process. I couldn't pinpoint a simple answer. They all seemed so complex. I'm healing from trauma, feeling of failure and not being good enough, giving and never taking, the list seemed endless. I felt so broken. The question of what the healed me looked like made me laugh out loud with the answer of "I have no idea, I haven't known my true self since I was 14 years old. Talk about a very sobering first session.
I made the realization that the reason I give my all, love so hard, care so much is because I never want someone to feel how I have felt inside. I have sat on this for 2 weeks now. Not one time in the last 20 years have I ever verbalized this until recently. I do not ever want someone to feel let down, alone, or that they are never not enough.
I feel emotions and energy to the depths of my soul. I read actions before words are ever spoken. It's a blessing and a curse. People's emotions are the language of the soul. They offer insight into our innermost thoughts, desires, and fears. I kept saying I am tired in my sessions, and was reminded that sometimes we have to exhaust ourselves to what we feel is the point of no return to finally get the help we need. That shattered glass that I was trying to pour from is now getting swept up and thrown away because now I get to pick out my individual glasses for me. I get to fill them up or dump them out. I can pick the size, quality, and quantity for however I see fit in my life.
Healing is not a linear path but rather a journey filled with twists, turns, and unexpected detours. Healing is not bottling up feelings and acting like they don't exist (it's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me). It seems like this complex math problem when you are trying to balance a certain aspect of your healing. One side can't be done without the other, which throws the other part out of balance, and now I have to counter that. Just a fun fact I am TERRIBLE at math. So, this is so hard for me to grasp.
The first thing I realized that my concept of boundaries is very skewed. That goes back to my self-realization earlier. Many of us struggle with boundary issues, whether its difficulty saying no, feeling responsible for others' emotions, or allowing others to disrespect ourselves. Boundaries are crucial for protecting our time, energy, and well-being. They are essential in helping us define limits of acceptable behavior in our interactions with others, helping us maintain a sense of self-respect and emotional safety. Like I have mentioned in my other blogs I am working on my "big girl voice". Being able to say that hurt me, being specific about my needs and expectations, taking time for me. Protecting myself without shutting down seems impossible.
The second thing, loving me in ALL forms. Self-love if you will. This looks different for everyone! No two people love themselves in the same way. Self-love to me is offering kindness, understanding, and support to myself, especially in times of difficulty or pain. Taking time to process. Learning healthy coping mechanisms. Being open with my feelings. But I am also taking the time to acknowledge that I am here on this earth not just for me, but to help and love others. I won't change who I am to conform to how others think I should be. If I made a list of things I love, I would not be the first thing on it. I am 100% okay with that. That is why I am learning healthy boundaries by also embracing the authentic me. I am practicing gratitude and mindfulness with my self-love. They have been powerful practices that can deepen my connection with myself. Self-love is a journey of self-discovery, growth, and transformation that requires patience, compassion, and dedication. By embracing your authenticity, practicing self-compassion, setting healthy boundaries, and letting go of perfectionism, you create the conditions for a life filled with inner peace.
Lastly, for now, adapting to change. Change is inevitable, but yet I have always met it with resistance and uncertainty. I am unlearning poor habits. It's a part of being comfortably uncomfortable. I know it is a constant in life, it can create both challenges and opportunities for growth. Becoming adaptable in change is talking myself through the ability to adjust to new situations and circumstances. I'm looking for what the changes in my life mean. The depth of change. The deeper meaning not just surface level. I am leaning into my "circle" to help me learn to adapt with grace.
The path to healing is not easy, it is a journey filled with pain, resilience, and transformation. As I create my journey, I am learning to embrace the process, cultivate resilience, and nurture my mind, body, and soul with compassion and care. My hope for anyone reading this, going on their own journey, is to remind you that we are all perfectly imperfect.
“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Be Kind. Give Grace. Spread Love.
Alysia